I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
