Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
