He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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