We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
