He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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