What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
When are your genitals available?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
