Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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