I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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