I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
