that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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