these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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