moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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