I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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