As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
