I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
