we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
