The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize