My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Watching her eat just hurts me
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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