in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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