He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize