Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
