You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
