woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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