I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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