i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
