The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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