Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
