I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
