I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You're a waste of cheezeits
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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