last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
