I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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