is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize