we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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