My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
