Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
