please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
