I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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