I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
