I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize