take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
