I'm drive I can fine osifer
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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