If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
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