my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His hands were made for my vagina.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize