I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
