When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
