Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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