I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
