The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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