We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
