Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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