i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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