I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
