I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
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