We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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