Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Too much gin, very little bucket
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
