if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize