He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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