Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
