I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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