i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
