Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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