So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
