I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
