I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
