i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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